The Hummingbird

            This morning after waking up, I looked back through the journal I was keeping while writing the first draft of my book, and came upon this quote by Peter Mercado, a psychologist about whom I know absolutly nothing: “I’m lost. I’ve gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.”

            My writing coach at the time had shared this quote with me and we had both had a good laugh about it. It related directly to my book (one that tells the life-story of my mother who spent much of her life feeling perfectly lost and casting about in all sorts of conflicting directions in an attempt to finally hook herself). But really we were laughing because the quote was so honest and witty and, truth be told, I felt and still feel exactly this way much of the time. Lost. Unsure about who I am. Lacking clarity about what I want to do. Or where my talents lie. Oh, the dreaded question: “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I have never known the answer to that question and have always envied the people who respond quickly and confidently with their career choices: a surgeon, an architect, a musician, a farmer.

            How do they know? How can they be so sure? They hadn’t been in those professions before, had they? What if they really liked medicine, but also adored learning about art history? What if they felt most fulfilled while composing music, but also knew the bleak reality of making ends meet as an artist? What if they were Renaissance men and had no interest in specializing, but wanted to follow their noses instead? Much like a hummingbird, darting from flower to flower and not taking the time to hover and plunge directly into the nectar of just one blossom? Forever zooming and darting.

            Is it okay to be the hummingbird? Flighty and fickle? A bit spastic, slightly uncommitted? It seems that the social norm is to specialize so that you can be upwardly mobile. Specializing provides stability, predictability, expertise, authority. It is your CAREER and, without one, you are somehow less.

            And here I am, now two days separated and my primary goal for 2020 is to figure out my CAREER. Free-lance writer (oh no, that’s an unreliable art! I’m sure to be in the poor house then). Teacher (safe choice. I already have my Masters in Education and, once hired, would be granted all kinds of important benefits like health insurance, retirement, sick pay. But I would likely be saddled with grading and exhausted all the time because school teaching is remarkably depleting and then I would never get back to rewriting my book). Office manager (I’ve been doing that for the last sixteen years, so most likely that is where I have the greatest skill set but, without any doubt, the least amount of personal value or interest). I also have the very practical consideration of income. Neither teaching nor freelance writing will pull in the big bucks, and as a single mother of three living in Southern California, cost of living is…well… it’s through the roof.

            So, back to school? I could become an LMFT (family therapist, 2 years of expensive school and then 2,000 practicum hours before I would be licensed, during which time I would be paid scraps); a lawyer (three years of bloody expensive school and then how long working my way up the ladder before I am covering both my cost of living and paying back my school loan?).

            And everyone has an opinion.

-       Go back to teaching – summers off! You rewrite your book then.

-       Shit no, Elizabeth. Go to law school. You’d be so good at it because you are detail-oriented and you thrive in structure. And there’s money to be had!

-       But as an LMFT, you could be in private practice and work for yourself. And there’s money to be had!

-       Follow your passion, Elizabeth. Be a writer. Being in your passion is ultimately what is most meaningful and, as we all know, life is short. And no matter what career choice you choose, there’s going to be hustle. Yes, you’ll have to hustle to get published or to be a freelancer, but you’ll have to hustle to get clients as an attorney or as an LMFT and, as a teacher, all you do is hustle. Might as well hustle doing what you love.

Then there’s this:

-       Screw all that. Who cares what you do? You just need to make money. You’ll follow your passion during your off hours like most people. Be open to possibility. Go out in the world. Meet people. Network. See what shows up at your door.

OH MY GOD!!!! So much conflicting information that it all becomes static. White noise. Increasingly fuzzy and indecipherable. So, like the gentleman in the opening quote of this post, perhaps my best choice is just to step out the door and go in search of myself. I suppose that approach is much like the last bit of advice I received to simply be open to possibility. To continue being the hummingbird, darting from flower to flower until one, finally, draws me in. Eventually I’ll find a track, right?

So much like my mother. So, so much. And that’s a conundrum, because she died in the end of a broken heart. But that’s another story, and I’m telling it in my book.

In the meantime, I think I’ll just step out my front door. Direct my face toward the blue sky, the yellow sun. Remember to be kind and grateful and honest and open. And should I return whilst I’m gone, PLEASE tell me to wait for me! Myself and I have so much to talk about.

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